West End Alternative

So West End plays and musicals? A night out on the town? Perhaps a nice glass of wine over supper before a Royal Opera House performance?

Be my guest. But only if you want to get laughed out of your position as "Culture Vulture 2008". Getting dolled up and watching high-end stage shows are so early noughties. It's all about being too cool to have to go out and prove yourself.

Have you heard of Heroes? Or Lost? Well if not, you'd better start listening. Right now, the most popular conversations around the dinner table revolve around what was on TV last night. And believe me, you do not want to get caught not knowing what's happening on Heroes/Lost/Grey's Anatomy/24/Prison Break (delete as appropriate to last night's programming).

It is therefore worthwhile to knock out a bit of the old savings and invest in a Sky+ Box. Don't have Sky? Then don't bother reading this blog again. The little white box is so brainy, it can record any programme you choose literally at the touch of a button. And by touching just another button you can create a series link, so that every episode from a particular series is recorded. Just like that!

So after a hard day playing lots of Rock Band and checking your Facebook account upward of 15 times, make sure you order some cheap chinese food and watch as vast a selection of American serials as possible.

To break it down, or give you some handy knowledge just in case you couldn't fit every show in last night, here are appropriate comments for the above listed shows, should you find yourself caught out:

Heroes: "Yes, I still can't decide whether I like the dad or not."

Lost: "I tell you, I keep hoping questions will be answered, but I still don't understand a bloody thing."

Grey's Anatomy: "Urgh, why can't Meredith stop whining!"

24: "Yeah, it's great. When's Season 7 coming out already?"

Prison Break: "Season 2 was definitely the worst season. Although season 3 should have ended properly." or, "Yes, Michael is sooo fit!"

Cultural Music

Living in an ultra cosmopolitan city, London, I take it upon myself to be cultured. Now, it goes without saying that I have visited all the galleries and museums around town. That's obvious beyond itself. Don't bother asking me if I've seen such-a-such exhibition etc. - of course I have!

But, seeing as I know what's hot and what's not (I read umpteen magazines which never fail to prove my predictions), I know that low is the new high culture. Trash is flash if you know what I mean. So nowadays if you want to be really cultured, you have to find the right standard of crappiness to partake in and enjoy.

For example, instead of learning a musical instrument and becoming a high quality concert-level musician, you simply must take up the new video game that's sweeping the cool of the nation off their feet: Rock Band. It's available in all three formats of the newest fashion accessory - Wii, XBox 360 or PlayStation 3 - and it is honestly as cool as cucumbers can be.

What you do is invite three of your fashionable, socialite friends around for sushi and bottled water and then hook them up to the games console. Choose the most rhythmic of the bunch to play drums and the least to take vocals. The remaining two will most likely squabble over guitar and bass, neither wanting to play bass, which is probably the most unappreciated and undervalued instrument in showbiz.

I play guitar. And then away you go. The four of you can play a multitude of songs, although it is undoubtedly cooler to steer away from mainstream rock such as Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden and stick to the lesser known and therefore lower-culture bands, such as the magnificent Coheed & Cambria and the oddly named Vagiant.

Glorious music will have your neighbours tapping their feet and shaking their hips to the beat - unless you have neighbours like mine who do not appreciate such high culture and prefer to bang on my ceiling so that they can watch their very, very uncool nature programmes.